Dear Faub,
I am a 11 years old (sic) boy, I’m in fifth grade and my dad is writing this letter for me, so I can ask you a question. I don’t like it when boys pick on girls in school. But every time I go to stick up for them and tell them to “Back off!” the girls get mad at me and make fun of me for standing up for them. I don’t understand girls. I don’t have a girlfriend and I’ll probably never have one. Thanks for your help. -Josh
Dear Josh’s Dad,
What kind of idiot writes a letter to cult leader to address their prepubescent kid’s genuine problem. You should be institutionalized and your children taken away from you. And, if you’re not going to at least correct the kid’s grammar, let the kid write his damn letter, himself.
Dear Josh,
You might be gay. And that’s alright. Several years from now you will come to terms with your alternative lifestyle, and you will have to break the news to your dad. As Faub said, “If I found out my kid was gay I probably wouldn’t kill myself. I’d probably take the kid out shopping to buy me some shirts. Take advantage of that fashion sense.” Do me a favor. When you tell your dad, make sure to go into explicit detail about the butt sex… so he can walk a mile in your shoes, and understand you better.