Dear Faub,
I have about 5 pounds of sour patch kids. What is the proper way to deal with this situation in the light of Faub's grace? -Russell
Dear Pucker Up, Butter Cup,
Faub's grace is anything but enlightening. It is both obtuse and awkward. But as we both know Faub has struggled with his weight for many a year, and I am sure he can share with you some insight to help you deal with a serious situation such as the one you face in this instant.
I have consulted the Books of Faub, and found this encouraging passage in the Book of Confectionary Transgressions, Chaper 12, Verse 8:
And yay, though I walk through the valley in the shadow of my belly I shall fear no sugary goods, for my paunch and my shants shall comfort me.
And further on in that same chapter, he addresses Sour Patch Kids, directly:
I've been devouring sour patch kids for a week straight. Bought a tub of them at Costco, and I've come up with this calculation- It takes approximately 27 sour patch kids, eaten simultanously, to overwhelm the sour centers of one's tongue. Any more and it just tastes like sand-covered gelatin.
And even further in this chapter he addresses five pound bags of candy:
Candy is delicious. Five pounds of candy is a bad idea. I hate Costco.
So from this we can clearly see that Faub wants to discourage us from eating five pound bags of Sour Patch Kids. Don't let the creative adverising campaign lull you into some false sense of security. Let the words of Faub rush over you like a rush of cool mountain spring water in a soap commercial. Let them tickle your fancy and let them open your crusted-shut eyes. Eat 27 Sour Patch Kids. No more, no less. Any more would be a waste and bad form. When the 27th is gone, cast the bag away and let bygones be bygones.
Oh, and don't eat the red ones. They are poisonous beyond comprehension.
May Faub be near you, and may Faub teach you things from his mouth.