Dear Faub,
The former Nevada Wolfpack quarterback, Colin Kaepernick is going to the Super Bowl this year with the San Francisco 49ers. I'm very excited to see our local boy make good. But as a Christian I'm conflicted by Colin's arm covering tattoos, and his kissing of his muscles. My question is, since the Bible is against tattoos and piercings of any sort, as seen in Leviticus 19:28, "Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the LORD," shouldn't Colin be an example to Christians by NOT getting tattoos and kissing them? Thank you for considering my question. And may Jesus bless the answers that you give. - Conflicted
Dear Conflicted,
While I appreciate you praying for our answers to your letter, I assure you that Jesus wants very little to do with Faub and his teachings, since Faub cheated Him out of seventy-five Pepperidge Farm Goldfish while they were playing a friendly game of Uno, last week.
Anyhow, to the question at hand, Faub has this to say about tattoos:
I once dated a chick who had her arms all tatted up. We couldn't go anywhere without a thirty minute ritual of her rubbing coconut butter oil or sunscreen on her arms. What a pain in the ass that must be. That's why I prefer my art to be hung on a wall and not my arms. I don't have to rub coconut butter oil on my "Hang in There" kitten poster every time I leave the freakin' house!
-From the Book of Ink, Chapter 45, Verse 7.
And on the subject of Christian football players, he has this to say:
I can't imagine that Jesus would give a shit about football. I mean, how is bashing one's helmeted head into another helmeted head to move a pigskin further down the painted lawn affirming Jesus' message of "Do Unto Others..."? All these players that pose or point up to god as a gesture to give Christ the credit for bashing skulls for millions of dollars? What does that have to do with Christianity? I think it probably makes Christ puke in his Cocoa Puffs. Besides, we should take a lesson from history- Christians performing inside Colosseums = bad idea.
-From the Book of Sporting Events, Chapter 11.
I also sent your question to Faub in a text, to which he divinely responded:
Dude, does she know who she's asking this question to? Anyway, tell her that Kaep is not a god and Jesus probably doesn't care about any bowls, super or not. Although I heard Jesus has $20,000 riding on the coin toss. As for me, I think tattoos are dumb. They are mostly ugly, they weather with time (literally and figuratively), and they are stupidly permanent. I get sick of my desktop background after a week, I can only imagine how quickly I'd get sick of a skin tattoo.